Need a multibillion-dollar bailout? Here's how to do it

American Scofflaw

Your company is in trouble. So you take your jet to Washington. With dignity and gruff professionalism, you state your case. Nothing is really your fault, you say, and an enormous pile of cash is all that's needed to fix it.

"No," they say.

So maybe the media was a little ruthless about the whole private jet thing. Private flights are budgeted months ahead, and traveling in public can pose a security risk. But that can't be the only reason you didn't get the billions you needed.

Begging for money from Washington didn't used to be in the plan for most CEOs. But sometimes things don't go your way, and government gazillions become the only option. Here's what to consider when that time comes (or when you decide to try again).

First, it's fine to take your private jet. But only if at the same time you can convince the public that you're doing without. Hit the public preemptively with word of what's to come and emphasize that it's so important, you don't have time to muck about in airports. Maybe even trade in your Rolex for a Casio.

Why? Because it's time to embrace contradiction.

Getting your hands on billions in government handouts doesn't come easy, at least if you're not AIG. But at your level, you have no choice but to be extravagant. Private jets, luxury suites and limos can't be traded in for Greyhound tickets, motel rooms and a bicycle every time your company's revenue goes sour. Yet, you have to look like you utterly need the money.